Crush by Ada Calhoun Summary, Characters and Themes
Crush by Ada Calhoun explores the complexities of modern relationships, particularly how desire, marriage, and self-identity intertwine in the face of evolving personal and emotional experiences. The protagonist embarks on a journey of self-discovery, navigating the tension between loyalty and independence, fidelity and freedom, while reflecting on her evolving emotional and intellectual connections with others.
The narrative invites readers to reconsider societal expectations surrounding relationships and the fluidity of individual identity within the confines of marriage, offering an honest portrayal of emotional conflict, desire, and personal growth. Through the lens of a marriage tested by openness and emotional connection, the story delves into themes of self-expression, emotional intimacy, and the pursuit of personal fulfillment.
Summary
In Crush, the protagonist embarks on an exploration of love, desire, and identity through her complex relationships with her husband, Paul, and others, including David, an old college friend. The story opens with her early experiences with romantic desire during her school years, highlighting the internal and societal conflicts that women face regarding their sexuality.
Her middle-school memories of kissing, flirting, and the judgment attached to female desire form the backdrop for her adult experiences with relationships. As she transitions through high school and college, she learns how to wield her attractiveness as a tool of attention, yet remains caught between the desire for connection and societal expectations of innocence.
Married to Paul, the protagonist feels a combination of support and suffocation. Paul, an artist with a laid-back attitude, encourages her to explore flirtations with other men, and even approves of a trip to London where she reconnects with Ryan, an old friend from her past.
This trip proves to be a turning point for her as she experiences a renewed sense of sexual energy, freedom, and vitality, which leads her to question the boundaries of her marriage. Her brief kiss with Ryan, although seemingly insignificant, acts as a catalyst for deeper self-reflection about fidelity, desire, and personal expression.
The protagonist’s internal conflict intensifies as she begins an emotional and intellectual connection with David, another former college friend. Their correspondence, filled with philosophical musings and deep exchanges about life, love, and art, grows into something far more profound than she anticipated.
She finds herself drawn to David not just for his intellect, but for the emotional and intellectual intimacy they share. This bond challenges her views on love, especially as she becomes more infatuated with him, but is torn by the loyalty she feels towards Paul.
Despite Paul’s open-mindedness regarding her exploration of other relationships, she fears the emotional intimacy she has with David could jeopardize her marriage.
As her feelings for David deepen, the protagonist reflects on her sense of self and the societal constructs that dictate how women are expected to behave in relationships. The tension between her marriage to Paul, her growing feelings for David, and her desire for personal fulfillment puts her at odds with the very ideas of love, loyalty, and emotional connection that once seemed straightforward.
Through her experiences, the protagonist comes to question the limitations imposed by the traditional notions of marriage and fidelity. She contemplates whether it is possible to embrace new forms of intimacy without destabilizing the foundation of her marriage and her family life.
The narrative highlights how the protagonist’s emotional journey leads her to reconsider what it means to love and remain true to oneself. She realizes that her identity, once seen as static, is now fluid, and that she can evolve without compromising her values or her relationships.
As the protagonist contemplates her connection with David, she faces the challenge of reconciling the emotional fulfillment she seeks with the life she has built with Paul. In exploring this emotional minefield, she begins to understand the importance of self-expression and personal growth, even within the context of a committed relationship.
Over time, her relationship with David becomes more complicated, marked by their growing emotional intimacy, even as the protagonist tries to maintain boundaries. She is torn between the love she shares with Paul, which has been built on mutual understanding and humor, and the intellectual and emotional passion she feels with David.
The protagonist struggles to navigate the space between these two relationships, uncertain about whether it’s possible to be emotionally fulfilled without sacrificing the stability of her family life.
The evolving dynamics of the protagonist’s relationship with Paul add layers of complexity to her internal conflict. Paul’s support of her desires for exploration clashes with his own insecurities, and jealousy begins to creep into their interactions.
At the same time, her intellectual and emotional relationship with David transcends mere attraction, delving into the realm of spiritual and emotional intimacy, which further deepens her internal struggle. She contemplates whether it is possible to maintain an open relationship without compromising her deeper emotional needs, and whether such an arrangement would truly allow her to be honest with herself and others.
In a series of reflections, the protagonist also explores her relationship with her father, whose emotional distance forces her to confront her own desire for deep emotional connections. This parallel journey mirrors her romantic conflicts and highlights the deep-seated need for emotional intimacy that underlies her current struggles with Paul and David.
Her relationship with Paul continues to evolve as they both confront the challenges of maintaining a marriage that is simultaneously open and fragile, while the growing emotional intimacy with David forces her to reconsider the nature of love and whether she can remain faithful without sacrificing her own desires.
Ultimately, the protagonist grapples with the question of what love truly requires from her. She realizes that balancing her emotional and intellectual needs with her marital commitments will require difficult choices, and that she must reconcile her sense of self with the complexities of love and fidelity.
The narrative presents a vivid exploration of how women negotiate their desires and emotional needs within the structures of relationships, and how personal growth can sometimes require breaking free from established norms and expectations. In the end, the protagonist comes to terms with the complexity of love and loyalty, realizing that her journey is one of self-discovery that is not bound by societal definitions of commitment.
As the protagonist’s emotional journey unfolds, the narrative ultimately challenges the very notions of marriage, fidelity, and self-expression. She confronts the fluidity of identity, the conflict between personal freedom and the demands of loyalty, and the complex interplay between love, desire, and personal fulfillment.
In this deeply introspective narrative, Crush highlights the intricacies of human relationships, the complexities of intimacy, and the difficult choices that come with being true to oneself while navigating the expectations of love and commitment.
Characters
The Protagonist (Ada Calhoun)
The protagonist of Crush embarks on a complex journey of self-discovery, torn between her desires, her marriage, and the evolving nature of her relationships. Throughout the narrative, she struggles with reconciling her emotions and the expectations placed upon her by both society and her own sense of self.
Her marriage to Paul, while initially open and supportive of exploring physical intimacy with others, eventually becomes a source of tension as she grows emotionally attached to David. This emotional connection with David, characterized by deep intellectual and spiritual conversations, becomes the focal point of her inner conflict.
She is not simply drawn to him physically, but rather to the emotional and philosophical bond they share, which challenges her preconceptions about love and loyalty. The protagonist’s internal struggle revolves around balancing her commitment to her family with her yearning for personal fulfillment and emotional depth, highlighting the complexities of modern love and marriage.
Her journey unfolds with a deep exploration of identity, emotional connection, and the question of whether it is possible to embrace both fidelity and personal freedom without compromising either.
Paul
Paul, the protagonist’s husband, is a laid-back and artistic figure whose initial openness about having an open marriage becomes a source of friction. His support for his wife’s flirtations and connections with other men, including her emotional affair with David, reflects a more liberal view of relationships but also points to deeper insecurities within him.
Although he encourages his wife to explore her desires, he struggles with jealousy, particularly as the protagonist’s emotional bond with David deepens. Despite their unconventional relationship dynamic, Paul still values his connection with his wife, and the emotional strain he experiences as he faces her growing attachment to another man reveals his vulnerability.
His character embodies the conflict between wanting freedom within a relationship and the inevitable emotional consequences of such an arrangement. Ultimately, Paul’s internal journey is shaped by his realization that emotional intimacy cannot be easily shared or ignored, and that love and loyalty are more intricate than he initially believed.
David
David, the protagonist’s old college friend, represents a different kind of connection that the protagonist longs for—one that is intellectually stimulating, emotionally profound, and deeply transformative. Unlike Paul, who offers a more casual physical exploration of desire, David provides the protagonist with an emotional and spiritual awakening.
Their correspondence begins innocently enough, rooted in shared intellectual pursuits like books, music, and philosophy, but soon blossoms into something more intense and intimate. For the protagonist, David becomes an embodiment of a love that transcends the physical realm, offering her a sense of emotional fulfillment that she feels is missing in her marriage.
While the emotional depth of her connection with David challenges her perceptions of loyalty, she is drawn to the idea of a relationship that allows for personal growth and deep intellectual connection, something that she feels is lacking in her relationship with Paul. David’s character, while not physically present in her life for much of the story, plays a pivotal role in the protagonist’s emotional journey, leading her to question the very nature of love, fidelity, and identity.
Veronica
Veronica serves as a sounding board and emotional guide for the protagonist throughout her journey. As a confidante, Veronica provides perspective and support, encouraging the protagonist to explore her emotional needs with clarity and honesty.
Veronica’s role in the narrative is essential for the protagonist’s emotional growth, as she pushes her to confront difficult truths and accept the complexities of her feelings. Her conversations with the protagonist offer moments of comfort and wisdom, especially when the protagonist feels overwhelmed by her emotional turmoil.
Veronica’s pragmatic yet caring approach helps the protagonist navigate the challenging realities of her open marriage and her deepening relationship with David. Through her, the protagonist finds a sense of stability and clarity amidst the emotional chaos, allowing her to see that even in uncertainty, she is capable of healing and finding wholeness.
Themes
Desire and Romantic Connections
The protagonist’s journey is marked by the complex interplay of desire, attraction, and emotional fulfillment. Throughout her relationships, the exploration of desire evolves, transitioning from early experiences of social and sexual curiosity to a more profound internal struggle in her marriage.
Her initial experiences with attraction, such as those during high school and college, highlight how women, in particular, learn to navigate societal expectations of flirtation and sexual agency. Desire is often tempered by the need to maintain innocence or adhere to social norms, which complicates the protagonist’s understanding of her own wants.
Within her marriage to Paul, the protagonist’s desire takes on a different form. While Paul encourages her flirtations with others, she struggles with reconciling these external attractions with her emotional and intellectual connections to people like David.
Her kiss with Ryan in London, although physically harmless, triggers a deep internal conflict about the limits of her own desires and the implications of acting on them. Desire, in this context, is not just about physical attraction but about emotional liberation and the search for intimacy that transcends physical boundaries.
The protagonist’s evolving emotional and intellectual connection with David further challenges her view of desire, revealing how it can extend beyond the sexual to encompass deep intellectual and emotional bonds that complicate her marital dynamics.
Marriage and Fidelity
At the heart of the narrative is the protagonist’s ongoing struggle with the concept of fidelity within her marriage to Paul. Their open marriage, which allows for physical intimacy with others, is initially portrayed as a liberating arrangement, giving the protagonist the freedom to explore desires outside her marriage.
However, this seemingly open arrangement becomes a source of tension as the protagonist finds herself emotionally involved with David, which threatens the boundaries of her agreement with Paul. The emotional depth of her connection with David pushes her to question the very nature of fidelity: is it purely about physical monogamy, or does it extend to emotional loyalty as well?
The protagonist’s internal conflict centers on the fear that her growing attachment to David could undermine her relationship with Paul, even though Paul appears to be supportive of her other connections. The friction between physical freedom and emotional fidelity becomes a central dilemma, one that underscores the complexities of love and commitment in modern relationships.
The protagonist’s reflections reveal how even in a relationship that allows for physical freedom, emotional attachments can create new forms of conflict, raising profound questions about loyalty, love, and the true meaning of fidelity.
Identity and Self-Discovery
As the protagonist navigates her evolving relationships and the complexities of her emotions, her sense of self undergoes significant transformation. Her experiences with Paul, Ryan, and David challenge her to reconsider who she is within the context of marriage, desire, and personal freedom.
The narrative explores how identity is fluid and malleable, especially in the face of societal expectations and the evolving nature of romantic relationships. The protagonist’s growing emotional intimacy with David becomes a catalyst for self-discovery, forcing her to confront aspects of herself that she had long suppressed.
Her time in London, where she reconnects with Ryan, serves as a pivotal moment of self-expression and awakening, where her desires and identity become more pronounced. As she grapples with her emotions and intellectual connections, she begins to question the traditional constructs of marriage and fidelity.
This journey of self-discovery is not only about understanding her desires but also about reconciling her personal freedom with her responsibilities to others. Ultimately, the protagonist’s evolving relationship with her own identity highlights how personal growth is often intertwined with the complexities of romantic entanglements, and how identity is reshaped by the desires, needs, and experiences that emerge from these relationships.
Emotional Fulfillment vs. Societal Expectations
The tension between emotional fulfillment and societal expectations is a central theme in the protagonist’s journey. From a young age, she is conditioned to see romantic relationships through the lens of societal norms: the expectation that women should behave a certain way in love, that desire must be controlled or suppressed, and that fidelity in marriage is paramount.
These expectations shape her understanding of relationships, especially as she navigates her marriage to Paul. While Paul is supportive of her physical exploration with others, the protagonist struggles with the emotional implications of her connections.
Her emotional bond with David, which grows over time through philosophical exchanges and intellectual intimacy, becomes a key point of conflict. The deeper her emotional connection with David becomes, the more she questions whether it is possible to maintain a marriage while seeking emotional fulfillment outside of it.
This struggle speaks to the broader societal pressure placed on women to conform to traditional notions of marriage, love, and fidelity, despite the complex emotional and intellectual needs that may arise. As the protagonist grapples with her feelings for David and her loyalty to Paul, she must come to terms with the fact that societal norms often fail to address the multifaceted nature of love and emotional fulfillment.
Grief and Personal Transformation
Grief plays an integral role in the protagonist’s emotional journey, marking significant turning points in her transformation. The narrator’s reflection on her father’s emotional limitations and eventual death serves as a backdrop to her own experiences with loss and personal change.
As she moves through the stages of divorce, the death of her father, and her evolving connection with David, grief becomes both a catalyst and a companion on her journey of self-discovery. The loss of her father forces her to confront the emotional void that he left behind, as well as the limitations of their relationship.
This grief mirrors her internal struggle as she navigates the emotional upheavals of her marriage and the pain of redefining her identity. Grief, in this sense, is not just about the loss of loved ones but also about the loss of an old self, the self she was before the disintegration of her marriage and the emotional complexities of her relationship with David.
As the protagonist moves through these emotional trials, she learns to embrace both the joy and pain of transformation, understanding that personal growth requires an acceptance of all the emotions—both positive and negative—that come with it. This process of personal transformation is ultimately about finding strength in vulnerability, allowing grief and pain to lead to greater self-awareness and emotional resilience.