The Way I Am Now Summary, Characters and Themes

The Way I Am Now by Amber Smith is the much-anticipated sequel to The Way I Used to Be. The novel continues Eden’s story, delving into her journey of healing and recovery after a traumatic sexual assault during high school. Now in college, Eden faces new challenges, including the looming trial against her attacker, as she struggles to navigate love, mental health, and reclaim her sense of self. 

The book explores her relationship with Josh, a former flame, and how both of them try to overcome the baggage of their pasts. Smith’s narrative underscores the complexities of healing and the importance of resilience and love amidst chaos.

Summary

In The Way I Am Now, Eden is no longer the high school girl struggling to cope with the trauma of sexual assault, self-destructive behaviors, and silence. She’s now transitioning into college, trying to leave behind her tumultuous past. 

Although Eden has worked hard to reach a more stable place emotionally, her healing journey is far from complete, and a significant challenge looms on the horizon: the impending legal trial against her assailant. 

Facing this ordeal, Eden must confront the pain and anxieties her assault has left behind, all while trying to begin anew.

Reconnecting with Josh, a love interest from high school who didn’t fully understand the trauma she carried, offers Eden both comfort and complexity. Josh, who has also faced his own struggles with an alcoholic father, reenters Eden’s life with empathy and patience.

Their relationship is rekindled, providing Eden with much-needed support. Yet their romance is not without difficulties, as Eden has to navigate emotional and physical intimacy under the heavy weight of her trauma. 

Her ability to communicate openly with Josh and express her love—something she couldn’t do previously—signals her progress toward stability and trust. Their relationship offers Eden both healing and hope, though the trauma remains a constant presence that she must continuously address.

As Eden prepares for the court proceedings, the book paints a stark picture of the emotional toll of seeking justice. She faces retraumatization as she’s forced to recount her experience under harsh scrutiny and hostile questioning from her attacker’s defense team. 

The institution where her attacker, Kevin, is a well-known athlete, funds his legal defense, highlighting a theme of societal biases that often favor the accused over the survivor. This legal battle becomes both a literal and figurative trial for Eden, testing her resilience, sense of self-worth, and resolve to reclaim her voice.

Throughout this journey, therapy and new coping mechanisms become essential for Eden. No longer resorting to the self-destructive habits of her high school years, she embraces healthier ways to manage her anxiety and depression, from medication to self-care routines. 

Eden begins to reclaim control over her life and body in subtle but powerful ways—cooking, jogging with her athletic roommate, and establishing boundaries within her relationship with Josh. These changes signify her ongoing commitment to healing, even as the path remains challenging.

The story is structured in four parts, capturing Eden’s life from spring to fall, with each section marking different stages in her journey. While these time jumps occasionally disrupt the narrative flow, they highlight the non-linear nature of her healing. 

By the end, Eden achieves a small but meaningful sense of empowerment—she quits smoking, enrolls in college classes, and starts making choices that reflect her newfound self-respect and determination. 

Though her healing remains incomplete and the book leaves some questions unresolved, Eden’s journey suggests a hopeful outlook.

In The Way I Am Now, Amber Smith captures the complexities of trauma, resilience, and the pursuit of justice, illustrating that healing is an ongoing process shaped by both inner strength and the love of those who offer support without judgment.

Characters

Eden McCroskey

Eden is the central character in The Way I Am Now, evolving through the challenges she faces after a traumatic experience in high school. Her character embodies resilience, but her journey is complex and laden with setbacks.

Having initially dealt with her pain through self-destructive behaviors like casual sex, drugs, and rebellion, Eden in the sequel seeks healthier coping mechanisms and attempts to reclaim her life. She is now older and beginning college, but despite her external strides—attending therapy, working toward self-care—her progress is uneven.

Eden is determined yet fragile, grappling with her trauma while navigating the challenges of an impending trial against her abuser. Her struggles are not merely about healing but about learning to live with the ongoing impact of her past.

Her relationship with Josh becomes a focal point of her growth, as he provides a safe space that allows her to trust again. However, this reliance sometimes distracts her from deeper self-reflection, and the book suggests she is still on a journey toward finding her identity beyond her trauma and her relationship.

By the story’s end, Eden begins to take concrete steps—quitting smoking, taking up college classes—signaling her intent to take responsibility for her future. However, these realizations feel belated, leaving her character’s growth somewhat unresolved, hinting that her path to healing is far from complete.

Josh Miller

Josh is presented as a stable, supportive figure who deeply cares for Eden. His own struggles, particularly with his alcoholic father, give him a depth that makes him empathetic toward Eden’s pain and complexities.

Josh is not simply a love interest; he’s portrayed as a patient and understanding partner, respectful of Eden’s boundaries and her emotional fragility. His character brings warmth to the story and offers Eden a sense of normalcy and safety she hadn’t experienced in past relationships.

Despite his compassion, Josh is also navigating his own internal challenges. He’s in college, trying to build his life, while balancing the emotional weight of Eden’s trauma and his family issues.

The book hints at his inner conflicts, especially regarding his role in Eden’s healing journey. While he supports her, he also faces moments of uncertainty, feeling he’s sometimes misunderstood or unable to fully reach her.

Josh’s character represents a gentle counterbalance to Eden’s intensity, providing a grounded presence that keeps her anchored. Yet, his role remains tied to Eden’s journey, and though he is complex, his character development is somewhat limited by the narrative’s primary focus on Eden’s experiences.

Kevin

Kevin, the antagonist, remains a shadow over Eden’s life, his actions casting a long-lasting effect on her mental health and relationships. As her assailant, Kevin embodies the trauma Eden is fighting to overcome.

Though he’s not a central figure in the plot in terms of presence, his influence is pervasive, as his impending trial is a significant plot driver. His college, which supports his defense due to his status as an athlete, symbolizes the societal bias that often favors powerful figures over their victims.

Kevin’s character does not evolve, but his role as an almost faceless source of Eden’s suffering speaks to the broader theme of injustice and victim-blaming in the legal system. The way he is defended through manipulative legal tactics and institutional support shows how survivors of assault often face retraumatization in their pursuit of justice.

Kevin is less of a character than a representation of the trauma Eden battles, a reminder of the societal challenges that make it hard for survivors to seek closure.

Eden’s Family

Eden’s family is an important but inconsistently explored aspect of her life. Their relationship dynamics are fractured due to the trauma Eden has experienced, and though they support her in parts, the narrative leaves much of their influence on her unexamined.

In the first book, her family’s reaction to her assault was central to the story, but in this sequel, these relationships are portrayed in a fragmented manner, lacking the depth and insight that could have added richness to her journey. Her family serves as a backdrop to her struggles but fails to provide the sense of unity or conflict that might be expected in a story so rooted in healing from trauma.

While they likely want to help, their presence and reactions remain underdeveloped, and Eden’s relationship with them lacks the complexity and resolution that could have brought more weight to the story.

Therapist

Eden’s therapist is one of the most supportive figures in her journey, providing her with tools to manage her mental health and navigate her trauma. This character is instrumental in helping Eden prepare for the trial and in guiding her toward a healthier mindset.

The therapist represents a voice of stability, encouraging Eden to reconnect with herself and her body in positive ways. Through therapy, Eden learns self-care practices and begins to view herself with greater compassion, though her progress is gradual and sometimes hindered by her personal turmoil.

The therapist’s role is limited to offering Eden guidance, and the book could have benefited from more of their sessions to show Eden’s healing in a more consistent light. Nevertheless, the therapist’s influence helps Eden begin to shift from a victim to someone striving for control over her life, laying the groundwork for her ongoing journey of self-discovery.

Eden’s Roommate

Eden’s roommate, a college athlete who promotes a healthy lifestyle, serves as a subtle mentor, modeling positive habits that Eden begins to adopt. Through jogging, cooking, and caring for her physical health, Eden’s roommate provides a silent encouragement toward healing and self-care.

The roommate’s character isn’t heavily developed, but she represents the influence of positive, health-oriented friendships that offer Eden an alternative to her past coping mechanisms. This relationship underscores the importance of surrounding oneself with supportive individuals who can inspire change, even if indirectly.

The roommate is a secondary character, yet her role reflects the impact of healthy environments on recovery, adding a layer of realism to Eden’s growth process.

Themes

Trauma and the Complexity of Healing: The Messy, Nonlinear Path to Recovery

In The Way I Am Now, Amber Smith tackles the enduring effects of trauma through Eden’s struggle to find stability and healing after a life-altering assault. Unlike a linear journey towards “closure,” Eden’s path is fraught with setbacks and conflicting emotions that shape her daily experiences.

This novel rejects the conventional portrayal of trauma recovery as a straightforward process. Instead, it presents healing as something ongoing and fragmented, a struggle that doesn’t magically resolve but is continually renegotiated.

Eden’s choice to leave her high school and home reflects a bid for agency, yet it simultaneously underscores the power of trauma to reshape her environment. Her emotional landscape is further complicated by the anticipation of her attacker’s trial, which brings feelings of empowerment and retraumatization.

In moving between moments of progress and regress, Eden’s journey reminds readers that true healing is elusive and often defies easy narrative resolution.

The Interplay of Romantic Connection and Individual Healing: Can Love Alleviate Trauma?

The rekindled relationship between Eden and Josh embodies a complex tension between seeking solace in intimacy and confronting unresolved wounds. Their relationship is not merely a backdrop but an intricate layer in Eden’s healing process, inviting readers to question whether love can coexist with trauma or if it risks overshadowing personal recovery.

Josh’s presence offers Eden emotional safety and a mirror for self-reflection, but it also challenges her to confront vulnerabilities she would rather avoid. This dynamic reflects a nuanced examination of how love might provide support without being a substitute for self-work.

While Josh is a caring and understanding partner, their closeness forces Eden to navigate intimacy and her boundaries in a way that occasionally amplifies her trauma. The story explores the paradox of love as both a sanctuary and a stressor for those grappling with unresolved pain, suggesting that while romance can be healing, it cannot replace the personal labor required in trauma recovery.

Societal Bias, Institutional Betrayal, and the Price of Seeking Justice

Eden’s journey toward justice through a trial is a focal point that underscores the theme of institutional betrayal and societal prejudice. The legal process, intended to serve as a tool for justice, instead becomes a harrowing experience that forces Eden to repeatedly relive her trauma.

This narrative shines a light on the inherent challenges survivors face within the justice system, where legal strategies often favor the accused and minimize the survivor’s pain. Eden’s attacker, Kevin, has the institutional support of his college, exposing how powerful entities may prioritize reputation over accountability.

The defense’s attempts to discredit Eden, questioning her credibility, mirror real-life dynamics in which societal structures can be retraumatizing rather than supportive. By navigating the trial’s challenges, The Way I Am Now critiques a legal system that often exacerbates the struggles of survivors and highlights the emotional toll of seeking justice in an unjust world.

Confronting Self-Destructive Coping Mechanisms: Redefining Self-Worth and Agency

Eden’s journey to self-care and stability involves confronting the self-destructive habits she once relied on to manage her pain. In her high school years, Eden turned to drugs, casual relationships, and risk-laden behaviors as forms of escape and numbness.

However, the novel presents a turning point as Eden gradually rejects these coping mechanisms, choosing instead to embrace therapy, medication, and healthier practices. Her newfound awareness of her body and mind’s needs reflects a crucial shift from seeing herself as damaged to regarding herself as worthy of care.

This transition is not immediate; it reflects a continual push-pull between familiar habits and healthier choices. Eden’s progression from self-harm to self-compassion demonstrates the transformative power of self-worth, suggesting that reclaiming agency involves unlearning behaviors that no longer serve one’s growth.

Her commitment to therapy and her gradual reinvestment in her physical and mental health are small yet radical acts of reclaiming her body and mind.

Disjointed Time, Fragmented Narrative, and the Psychological Toll of Trauma

The book’s narrative structure, with its significant time skips, mirrors the disorienting nature of trauma and its effects on memory and perception. These time jumps—marked by a series of months that signify shifts in Eden’s life—highlight how trauma fragments one’s experience of time and often creates a feeling of “lost” months or years.

The structural fragmentation also resonates with how trauma survivors may process their lives: moments blur, growth happens unevenly, and progress isn’t always clearly visible. This narrative choice can leave readers feeling somewhat disjointed, reflecting how Eden herself experiences the inconsistent path of healing.

By aligning the novel’s structure with the psychological reality of trauma, Amber Smith challenges readers to immerse themselves in a rhythm that is unsteady and unresolved. The novel underscores that recovery does not follow a traditional or easily understandable timeline.

The Intersection of Trauma and Identity Formation in Young Adulthood

Set at the juncture between adolescence and adulthood, The Way I Am Now explores how trauma can shape and, at times, hinder the process of self-identity. For Eden, navigating her trauma coincides with the typical developmental challenges of young adulthood, from establishing independence to setting personal goals.

Her assault, and the resulting emotional fallout, colors her perception of relationships, career aspirations, and self-worth. The novel underscores the notion that trauma is not an isolated experience but one that weaves itself into the fabric of identity.

Eden’s journey toward self-acceptance and independence is marked by her attempts to reconcile her trauma with the person she wants to become. By highlighting her struggle to define herself outside of her past, the novel raises questions about how survivors can shape identities that include but are not confined to their trauma.

This exploration emphasizes that such a journey is both empowering and deeply challenging.

Feminist Undertones and the Agency of Narrative Ownership

The way Eden takes control of her narrative—choosing to pursue justice, embracing therapy, and reasserting her personal boundaries—serves as an embodiment of feminist empowerment. Throughout the novel, Eden wrestles with the choice to define herself beyond societal victimhood narratives, instead pursuing her path toward self-empowerment and justice on her terms.

Her decision to go to trial and speak out against her abuser defies the silence often expected of survivors, and her journey reflects a subtle critique of patriarchal norms that stigmatize and undermine survivors. Eden’s choices to seek help, support herself independently, and gradually reclaim her body through healthier habits are subversive acts within a societal framework that often reduces survivors to their trauma.

Amber Smith’s portrayal of Eden’s struggle and resilience extends beyond the individual; it serves as a commentary on the need for societal support systems that respect survivors’ voices and empower them to reclaim their stories. Through this lens, the novel advocates for a world in which survivors are afforded agency and respect rather than being confined to narratives of victimhood.